This blog was written by Rachel Paugh, BCBA, LBA, and our founder:
Am I autistic? The parent perspective
I have worked with the parents of autistic children intensively for years now and there is one experience had by many of them that I don’t think many people speak about openly. It’s a shame because, if people discussed it more, it might benefit those parents and our community.
When parents go through initial consultation with me, the first thing we discuss about their child is behaviors of concern, social skill deficits, and communication skills challenges. When I discuss these things with parents, one of the things I hear the most from them is that their child reminds them of themselves and that they engaged in similar behaviors and had similar challenges when they were kids. The other thing I often hear is that they didn’t initially think of the challenges their child was experiencing as a reason to seek intervention because they had those same challenges as a child and they survived without intervention.
And, of course, some very brave parents wonder aloud if they are autistic too. If they have the first two revelations and look like they are deep in thought but don’t express this possibility, if I think it is appropriate, I will ask them if they think maybe they are also on the spectrum.
I want to be sure I clarify that this doesn’t happen with every parent, nor does every parent with a child on the spectrum have autism themselves.
BUT…
Parents, these are some of the best and most beneficial discussions you can have. We haven’t proven it yet, but I strongly believe there is an element of genetics to autism. When we parents were kids, things were very different. Autism was rarely diagnosed unless you were profoundly affected. So odds are, if you were able to function without intensive behavior intervention or help with communication skills, you wouldn’t have been diagnosed.
As a parent of an autistic child and a behavior analyst whose area of expertise is autism, I can tell you that if I sought assessment I’d receive the diagnosis. This is something I share freely because one of the things I try my hardest to teach is that a diagnosis of autism is NOT a tragedy, and it is nothing to whisper about or be ashamed of.
One of the first revelations that comes with these realizations is, “Hey–so I wasn’t really a bad kid after all. I had a learning difference this whole time and that’s why I struggled.” This realization brings huge feelings: anger, resentment, and grief. This grief is important to acknowledge and work through the same as was the grief you experienced when your child was diagnosed. Seeking counseling is key for caregivers. Counseling is also not a bad word, and not something to be ashamed of. Make time for it because it makes you a better parent and a happier person.
Feeling these scary and challenging feelings is a given. But if I can teach you one thing today, let it be that there is also joy to be had within the autism experience. Teach your kid to be proud of their neurodivergence. Talk to them about the superpowers it gives them and remind them that they are not “bad”, they just learn differently and that’s kinda cool Embrace your own neurodivergence: read more about it, follow the neurodivergent crowd on social media, make friends who are openly neurodivergent so you can experience being truly yourself with no mask!
If this is something you are experiencing as a parent, please find someone you trust to discuss it with so you can investigate it in a safe space–bonus points if it’s a mental health professional. But, most of all, EMBRACE YOUR DIFFERENCE! After all, your kid is just like you, and you have to admit they are pretty darn lovable.
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